Paramore: Blink-182 for Bleeders

What do you get when you let your heart win?
Shit music, apparently.
Two dudes of at least 18 say that Paramore is their favorite band. The crowd cheers. Lobotomies and chemical castrations all around!

I don't want to pick on Warped Tour (Yes I do.), but they really do unleash some horrible shit upon the masses. I guess they're just a vessel, but some Neville Chamberlain comparisons come to mind (look it up).

Makes sense if you get the reference.

If you're like me, you like your music filled with pop punk hooks, lyrics filled with undue teenage melodrama, only mildly distorted guitars, and enough autotune to drown Akon!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(DON'T YOU LOVE SARCASM?!?!?!?)


Anyway, if you're over the age of 13 and/or male and you listen to this shit, you need to put your head/balls in a meat grinder/deep fryer!

And they just put out a new album!



Live it up, Paramore. Soon, your fans are going to grow some pubes, and you'll be on the wrong side of 30 and still be singing about high school. It happens to pretty much everyone that's been on Warped Tour. Save yourself the embarrassment, pack it in and just call it a day, alright? Because at the end of the day, what is your music good for?

Except of course, being the soundtrack for sparkly, pretty teenage abstinence vampires (not) fucking each other.

Ooh, crossover fans! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!
And for those of you who think I've been too hard on poor little Paramore (all three of you), just remember, I could have gone with the obvious and just called them Parawhore. Instead, I took the high road and compared them to Hitler. You're welcome.

A little more proof. Sieg Heil!

Good Music (for a change) - Girls

This site is mainly about how truly awful things can be when some people try to make music. However, it's our goal to occasionally provide you with the opportunity to hear a band that (in our opinion) isn't fucking up.

They put out a couple of great singles over the last year, and today they put out a new album titled, (what else?) Album. San Francisco's Girls put out soft, muddled, slightly psychedelic pop songs. They make fucking awesome videos too.

Hellhole Ratrace

Lust For Life (not an Iggy Pop cover)

You can download the songs from their Hellhole Ratrace 10" here:
Girls-Hellhole Ratrace

Girls-Solitude

Album is out today on True Panther Sounds/Matador. Buy it here.

Crabcore/Crunkcore/Aural Gonorrhea

Crabcore:

From the guys that were probably in your local high school's ska band five years ago comes the genius idea to combine screamo, metal, dimestore power-pop and eurotrash techo! And why is it called Crabcore? Watch...

First up, Attack!Attack!

Wait for the breakdown! Which one? All 17 of them!

The way they use the same vocal effect as T-Pain/Cher is great! It's so original, the way they don't even try to blend the styles together! I can listen to so many different songs without even skipping the track!

It's been 15 fucking years? Why hasn't the US declared Warped Tour a terrorist organization yet?

Crunkcore:

Back in the early '00s, (a more innocent time, really) I'd put my Lil' Jon record on, lay back and ponder what would happen if someone put a fucking gun to his head and made him work with a screamo band.

I don't have to wonder now:

I have Brokencyde!

Last time I checked it was illegal to have tweens swallow your shit. Lock these dudes up!

All of the vapidity of bling-rap, with the whining of a screamo band? Shit! How could it go wrong? Let's get freaky indeed!

Education is the only way to stop this.

Don't let your teen/tween/27 year old son that lives in your basement and dresses like he's in AFI go down to Hot Topic and buy this stuff. Just lock them in their room, put a speaker to the door, and play some Fugazi. Or some Dylan. And maybe a little ODB. It'll really bum them out at first, and they'll be pissed at you for a while. But someday they'll thank you for not letting them leave the house looking like this:

It's a guy. No, really.

Or they'll just turn into these guys...